


i'm up against these things i can't see

by Winterboxx



Category: Canada's Drag Race RPF, RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, lemon has a lot of issues that she refuses to admit until it becomes too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:01:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27703837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winterboxx/pseuds/Winterboxx
Summary: Lemon is haunted by her own feelings, but lives a lie of happiness until it becomes too much and everything but survival is meaningless. Maybe Priyanka can get to her before she can't take any more.
Relationships: Lemon/Priyanka (Drag Race)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	i'm up against these things i can't see

**Author's Note:**

> i felt like writing angst the other day so this happened, ngl i project onto lemon too much but i just wanted some angst and here it is. i just have a thing for making confidence a lie and making people too stubborn to talk about their pain or feelings
> 
> title from ghosts by pvris

Lemon was never one to show weakness. She knew her worth and wasn’t afraid to show it, her confidence could never falter. Not when she was around people. It never failed her but the dark consumed anyone who tried to fight, and she wasn’t known for going down easily. All her struggling only made it worse. She had no idea how or when it started, it seemed like a dark constant leaned over her and she was victim to whatever pain it wished to inflict on her during those quiet hours. No one can hear you scream if you’re alone, Lemon knew that all too well. 

She would claw her way back to her usual self by the daylight, but those scars lingered under her skin, always ready to reopen with the slightest provocation. They’d bleed out from under her. Only showing the blood when the night hit once more. It was the kind of wound no one could see, burnt so deep into her to hide from the world. Lemon never knew shame until everything started, until she couldn’t look herself in the eye anymore. When her reflection looked like a lifeless husk of the energetic confident girl she once was. But she’d come back around in the daylight only to exhaust herself in the night.

Things only got worse, the feelings more intense and the pain all the more constant. What was once every so often and bad lead to hour-long sobbing, screaming for someone that didn’t exist. Lemon wondered if she could tell anyone about what was happening, the fights she couldn’t avoid, all the feelings she couldn’t communicate to anyone. She had tried, once it had started to hurt, the spiralling thoughts. The voices telling her she wasn’t good enough, she wasn’t worth it. They made her stomach twist with all too familiar anxiety. But it couldn’t! She wasn’t alone. Priyanka was there. She had to see what was happening if only Lemon could say something.

The blonde’s sudden silence was a clue, her eyes darkened, blankly staring ahead of her at nothing in particular. There was nothing Lemon about the person that briefly appeared in front of her. There was a brief flash of pain, of a deep sadness Priyanka knew all too well but it left too quickly. The taller girl couldn’t figure out if she had been seeing things, whatever had happened was too brief to get a full grasp of. But it tipped her off. 

Lemon pulled herself back rather quickly, nothing else happening in the day to cause any concern. She would berate herself for slipping however brief it was but the relief that nothing seemed to have been noticed. It hurt, all she wanted was someone to know what she was going through but any chance to tell she clammed up, acting a cheery girl she couldn’t feel anymore. 

It would hit too much one day, Lemon felt herself near the edge but she couldn’t see where the fall was. She blindly went on just trying not to fall. Though she could only move on for so long before the plunge. It came quicker than she knew. One day she was functioning fine but the next changed things dramatically. 

Her control loosened, everything she had under control crumbled over the weight of the depression that washed over her. That was what the internet said, her past feelings had been typical of it, a depression she hadn’t seen coming and one she could never begin to know how to deal with. Any illness left untreated would only get worse and she learnt it the hard way. The girl in the mirror couldn’t make her mask convincing, she didn’t have the energy to act anymore but being honest wasn’t an option. She tried to sleep it off, spend a day letting herself shake the feelings, and come back normal. That day turned into more in the blink of an eye and suddenly it had been well over a week since Lemon had moved aside from work. No other movement. She was a husk of a human that couldn’t find it in her to live anymore. It wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth it, life was a painful existence and the good times only lasted so long before the bad came swinging back twice as hard. 

Every. Single. Time. 

She was sick of it but that was the only emotion she could feel after so long. Everything felt numb after long enough of ignoring it. She almost missed the nights of fighting with herself. At least she felt something then. She hadn’t seen anyone in days, but she didn’t want to. Her own company was enough, she didn’t need anyone or anything.

Only she did. The craving for human contact grew as she continued to ferment inside. She saw less and less daylight. Artificial light became a comfort and she was drawn to the familiar like a moth to a flame. It was easier like this. Nothing could change as she finally felt comfortable. 

She noticed her phone ringing sometimes but she never looked or answered. Why would anyone try to contact her now? She was too far gone although none of them knew. Priyanka was always too persistent though. She would ring Lemon multiple times a day praying for once she would pick up. She finally got through in a mix of constant calls and catching Lemon drowsy, just waking up from a nap and not quite processing exactly what she was doing by answering her phone. 

“Lemon! What’s wrong? Where have you been?” Priyanka's voice rang through the speaker as Lemon realised what she had accidentally done. It was too late to hang up, she couldn’t do that to Priyanka. As she tried to get an answer out the brunette cut in again.

“Don’t tell me you’re okay. You’re not. I know it, Lemmy, it’s okay. Just be honest with me, please?”

“Everything, it aches and every single thing hurts. Nothing makes me happy anymore Pri. I don’t have the energy to do things apart from work and sleep. Nothing else seems like it’s worth it.” She was audibly upset. Lemon’s words sounded defeated and exhausted and it hurt Priyanka to hear her friend like that. 

“You’ve been suffering alone, you know I'm always here for you. Just talk to me, please?” Lemon’s chest tightened as Priyanka spoke. Her friend sounded so caring and earnest it messed with her head. One voice screaming she didn’t need help, that she was weak for letting it get this far. The other was louder, it begged for someone, anyone to help her out of this nightmare. 

“I don’t want to do this anymore.” Despite not being able to be seen, Lemon buried her head in her hands at the admission. Her words were shaky and there was more left unspoken. Priyanka realised she had to do something then, or there might not be another chance. 

Lemon felt panic rising, of all the emotions that would come back why did it have to be this? They held a long, torturous silence that made Lemon feel nauseous the longer it went on. Her head spun with thoughts of what could happen, would Priyanka leave knowing how bad she was? No! She said she cared. But did she? Could anyone even care for her anymore?

“Lem, can I come over? I want to support you, and you sound like you could use some company. If it makes you too nervous you don’t have to and we can stay on the phone, but-” Priyanka’s voice faltered, not quite able to finish her words and Lemon’s quick, panicked breathing came through the speaker. Something was wrong.

Lemon was blanking, she’d heard nothing and only continued to fall deeper into her thoughts. The idea of anyone caring now was an impossibility. She was a dead weight to anyone around her and she deserved to feel so low for even attempting to bother anyone with her feelings. That was when the tears started, her body shook with muffled sobs, the phone call long forgotten. 

Priyanka couldn’t get a response and only heard the sobbing get louder as Lemon struggled to hold it all back. That was enough, something needed to be done and if she couldn’t respond she couldn’t take the chance of her coming down on her own. Keeping the phone on call, Priyanka got into her car and quickly drove to Lemon’s apartment. The other girl had never shown any audible signs of hearing her, only the sobbing and sharp, panicked breaths came through over the phone.

A scream came, high pitched and horrified when a sound was heard at her door. Lemon jolted out of her thoughts only to cry more, paralysed by fear at the idea of someone being at her door.

“Lemmy, it’s just me. Open up, please?” Priyanka’s soothing voice crackled through her phone, somehow calming through the crappy speakers. That was when the blonde realised. Priyanka had heard everything, all the crying and panicking, and had come to her door. Although Lemon couldn’t find it in her to see people, her body moved on its own, letting her friend in before crumpling into her arms and hanging onto her as if her life depended on it.

“Lemon, it’s okay. I’m here. You’re not alone, and you’ll never have to go through this alone, okay?” Priyanka whispered soft words, setting Lemon back onto her bed and rubbing her back as she curled into Priyanka’s lap. Her head burrowed into it, hands still covering her face but also leaning into her for support. They stayed there for a while, Lemon still shaky from her panic as Priyanka whispered soft, comforting words and she held her close. Lemon didn’t like being touched all too much but at this point, she craved the affection of another human and brought herself up from the lap to burrow her head into Priyanka’s shoulder; her arms wrapping around the brunette's waist to keep her as close as possible. 

“Thank you.” Lemon meekly spoke, barely audible. Her head moved, looking up at Priyanka with teary eyes. Her crying had stopped but the breathing had yet to level out. For the first time in months, she felt safe in the arms of her friend. Priyanka had done all she needed and the gratitude on Lemon’s face for just a bit of support broke her heart.  
“I want to get help, but could you come with me? I’m too scared to do it alone.” Lemons poke up louder that time, head still leant against her friend’s shoulder.

“Of course, I’ll be with you for whatever you need. I know it’s hard but I’ll support you through everything, Lemmy. No matter what.” Lemon felt herself tearing up again at the kindness of Priyanka. She hugged her tighter, speaking soft words of gratitude into the crook of her neck. Whatever happened, Lemon knew she would be alright in the end as long as Priyanka was with her.

**Author's Note:**

> did you like? have any thoughts? leave kudos and/or a comment! i'm on tumblr @winterboxx if you wanna say hi


End file.
